Earth can(not) be saved – by ROM

Dear ROM: Spaceknight,

rom-1I fear the Dire Wraiths have returned once again.

You left our verdant world at a time ripe with tragedy and conflict. Challenger exploded, Reagan sat in office, and the Middle East waged war when you left our world for the depths of space.

But the conflicts and tragedy continued – are worse, in fact, than they were in the turbulent 80’s. You remember the Contra scandal? The Chernobyl incident? We’ve had more of that. Much more.

There you sit with the Earth woman Brandy Clark on far-off Galador, surrounded by an army of Spaceknight protectors, after you yourself shed your plandanium armor in order to repopulate your world – and you think the vile shape-changers are banished beyond reach. But they’ve returned.

There can be no other reason for Earth’s recent spate of profound, imbecilic repetition.

Turn your Analyzer on Donald Sterling and you will see a Wraith that looks oddly like V. Stiviano. Send them both to Limbo before their next interview.

States within our American government still flounder and debate the rights of gay couples and whether they can legally marry.

This can only be the work of Wraithkind.

Use the Neutralizer to discern the cause of this stale debate. Let it dial back the clock to see where it began. You’ll find a Wraith at the helm, squirming like a hooked fish under the weapon’s ruby-red beam, ashamed at having it’s plot to slow Earth’s social progress, if not reverse it, foiled. You may find Tammy Faye Bakker imprinted there. Send those debaters to Limbo without further ado.

That same Wraithling is likely the root of Selfies. Who else but a Wraith could start this disturbingly narcissistic trend?

Use your Universal Translator to decipher Lolspeak and emoticons. Learn of the Wraith plot to dumbify our culture, yanking humanity back to the use of prehistoric pictograms. Marvel at the ease to which they accomplish their plot. Then throw them screaming to Limbo.

Without you, ROM, our planet is doomed. Please return.

Love,

Nerdling

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