Hello, Sack Person

(File this under possible creepy fantasy characters)

There’s no way to tell if Sack Person is a male or female. It’s made from lumpy sacks, flesh colored, and those sacks form rolls at the waistline, the neck and chest, and other spots. Sack Person has eyes hidden under shadowy crags, a gaping maw for a mouth, and walks with a hunched back. Luckily, Sack Person rarely walks. When walking occurs, photos are taken and shared on social media to brag on the sunshine, fog, and wildlife. Not all at once. The photos are saved and dealt online at intervals, creating the illusion Sack Person is outdoors regularly.

Sack Person builds memes and gifs more often than Sack Person walks around. Sack Person prays for the viral spin of a popular post to feel like a dragon devouring its own tail. So far nothing. Sack Person is familiar with the term armchair philosophy, but cannot connect the obvious dots when brag-posting a quote of re-affirmation or something Henry Rollins never actually said. Sack Person vomits snark at every post shared and gone viral. Sack Personbrag-shares them too, gets in on those intellectual zingers, and fails to recall them when it’s discovered the viral post was not real. Sack Person is real. And real people make mistakes. It said that very thing on a meme with a picture of Jimi Hendrix on it. No reason to apologize for being a part of someone else’s problem, Sack Person thinks.

Sack Person shares all news of terrible things. Thoughts and prayers. Brag-thoughts and humbled brag-prayers.  Sack Person knows a hashtag inside and out, emojis like nobody’s business, and saves cute cat videos to reshare at later times. Cats fare better than dogs for the most part. Following every crisis, Sack Person moves on and never mentions it again – unless it trends.

Sack Person’s profile picture shows an exciting, smiling, jubilant face. The words “jk” and “lol” appear regularly on Sack Person’s feed. When outside, Sack Person monitors social media. When eating, Sack Person takes photos of the food for social media.

Sack Person is awesome online because being awesome online is easy.