On hold with the IRS

Dainty canned piano music plays in my left ear courtesy of the Internal Revenue Service and their help line.

“Our representatives are still helping other customers. Please continue to hold.”

I should have been counting how many times they said it.

The piano music isn’t enough to make me fall asleep, but it tries. Did the person who wrote that ditty, and digitized it with his computer, know it would be heard by people tired of being on hold? That it would be the music people wanted to claw their eyes out while listening to? He probably got a fat check for making it. That’s what I imagine. He’s off on some island somewhere the tax man can’t reach him. Maybe he’s with the high-pitched woman who tells us to continue to hold? I can see them on a white beach sipping martinis and holding hands.

I click over to Facebook before the fantasy gets pornographic. A musician and a woman who does voice work for the Internal Revenue Service? That combination has “dirty-nasty” written all over it. Best go to social media and not use my mind. But before I can see any meaningless cat pictures or infographics of political dick measuring, I get a text and have to put the IRS on speakerphone. That guy-who-now-lives-on-an-island’s canned music sounds even grosser on speaker. The dog on the chair behind me sighs. She’s not thrilled about the music, but likes that I’m forced to sit here and wait.

The text reminds me I have other things to do. Of course I do. Everyone does. But the IRS takes precedent. They buttoned me up nicely a couple of years ago, but now have no record anything was ever buttoned up – ever infinity. Those records are gone. So let’s drop everything because a government institution, which can ruin a person’s life, can’t keep their shit straight.

“Our representatives are still helping other customers. Please continue to hold.”

Luckily the music man and voice-over woman have offshore accounts, I imagine. They took their payday and bailed on the broken system that pretends it’s always right. Of course they are. They have the authority to say that. Judging by how many times voice-over woman has stepped on the music man’s tune, I’d say they’re short-staffed. When you’re short-staffed nothing gets done right.

I picture the music man to be a scrawny white guy with long white hair and a clean-shaven face. He probably wears Ray-Ban eyeglass that tint in the sunlight. Right now he’s naked on that island. So is the voice-over woman. She’s humming his latest tune while planting kisses on his bare chest. He’s trying to figure out how to work her signature catch phrase into the tune. It’s cute. They’re playing role reversal without even thinking about it.

He tries to mimic her voice. “Our representatives are still helping other customers. Please continue to hold.” And now they’re both singing it.

I may very well forget what I called these people about by the time someone gets on the line. One thing’s for sure. This blog will be posted by the time I have to open my mouth and figure it out.

Published by patrickwhitehurst

Patrick Whitehurst is a fiction and non-fiction author who's written for a number of northern Arizona newspapers over the years, covering everything from the death of the nineteen Granite Mountain Hotshots to Barack Obama's visit to Grand Canyon. In his spare time he enjoys painting, blogging, the open water, and reading everything he can get his hands on. Whitehurst is a graduate of Northern Arizona University and currently lives in Tucson, Arizona.

5 thoughts on “On hold with the IRS

  1. Sometimes I hang out with Music Man and Voice-Over Woman’s kids Press 1, Press 2, and Press 3. The whole family is so friggin’ redundant.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: