The creature made a move. It wasn’t much of a move, but it totally counted. It’s pale, fleshy head with almond shaped eyes (if almonds were the size of watermelons) nodded in my direction. But hell if that scared me. I’m an American. So keeping my iPhone as steady as possible in my right hand, I lifted my pistol with my left hand and fired. The thing staggered backwards behind a fallen pine tree. I kept filming with my phone, hoping it wasn’t too dark for the camera to pick up the action.
I go to the range regularly and know for a fact I hit the thing, just like I killed a rabbit a few minutes earlier on the trail. But the creature, an alien for sure, kept moving even after it took a round. It dropped the rabbit I shot. Still not sure why it picked it up in the first place. When the rabbit hit the ground the damn thing scurried off. I know it was dead a minute ago, but somehow just touching the alien brought it back to life.
I may not have some fancy degree, those totally worthless pieces of paper sold by the liberal media like store bought intelligence, but I do have something better. My instincts. And those trump your un-American agenda any day. Not having a degree just means I haven’t been brainwashed.
So I kept my instincts in my back pocket and reloaded my gun.
I may live on my parents’ property in Big Sur, but I’m not a hippy. Far from it. And I’ve seen Independence Day. If I’d wanted that rabbit to be alive I wouldn’t have shot it. I popped off another round at where I thought the alien might be hiding, then snuck closer to the fallen pine tree.
“This thing wants to kill me,” I said. I talked into the camera on the iPhone, for the sake of the video. I’d quit Farmers Only if it didn’t go viral, but I knew it would. Within hours of posting it too. “Not sure what it is, but I know it’s not from here. Not from my planet.”
The alien leaned against the fallen pine tree, gasping for air. Eucalyptus bark, shredded from recent wind storms, covered the area. I could smell the trees, but also the hot blood of my enemy. I knew I’d got him. He held a long skinny hand over a bloodied wound on its shoulder, the wound I caused.
“You’re not even wearing clothes,” I said, glad for the camouflage jacket I had on. Made it harder to see me in the night. Actually I rarely ever went outside not wearing it. The alien’s other hand rested on the trunk of the tree. Flowers were popping out of the dead tree wherever the alien touched it. Unbelievable. It’s touch, just it’s touch, seemed to bring life. The flowers looked like poppies, maybe some violets too, I don’t know. It’s like it was trying to tell me it was the second coming or something. I wasn’t having any of that, so I kept the iPhone steady and shot it a few more times in the head. This time I was sure I’d ended whatever plans this monstrosity had for me and my neighbors.
“This pistol right here is my God-given right,” I told the dying alien. “You might want to think twice about invading an armed country next time. You hear what I’m saying? Think twice about coming to America!”
But it was dead. Guess it’s healing touch didn’t work on itself. After a few close-ups I stopped recording and got down next to the thing. Had to take some selfies with it. Make for a sweet profile pic.
Then I uploaded the video. I put it on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, everywhere.
I wrote, “Killed an alien tonite. Your welcome,” and waited for the likes.
17 thoughts on “Alien in Big Sur – Dead”
Wow. Patrick. That was really moving and am once again reminded why I want to move…away. far. far. away.
Too obvious? Or too subdued?
It was poifect. I am the one who is a subdude.
I think you just came up with the perfect super hero name! And his cat’s name…
Once, I invented a super hero whose name is Word Man. He swoops into conversations to fix grammar and to improve language. I think his dog’s name is Synonym and his cat Antonym. Maybe this super hero should be Word Woman.
And the villain can be “social media poster!”
Or rather “superhero” and “Wordman” since I’m unable to edit my comments!
Wordman vs. The Evil Dr. Social Media Poster and his army of its.
or or his army of Selfies.
With their blaster rifles that pop out run on sentences.
Yeah and politically incorrect statements. I think Wordman needs an ally like the punctuation posse.
It’s funny to bring this up again, because I once envisioned this as an SNL skit and worked out many of the quirky details in my head. It’s good to have your perspective!
Were you the guest host for this particular episode? The musical guest?
But of course! I’m the guest host for all of my SNL fantasies!
I’d only guest host if Christopher Walken co-guest hosted with me.