Dear Open Letter Writer,
We all care so much about your opinion. We want your open letter so bad. Please write it as long as possible, as passionately as possible, and tell us all how you feel. Of course we know you have no real connection to the topic, no stake, but don’t let that get in the way of adding to the conversation.
It’s an important topic, so make it noisy. Blur the lines of discussion, add your own story to the mix whether it’s only partially similar to the topic, whether anyone asked for you to chime in or not. We promise to hang on every word of your open letter as if we needed only your voice to make the discussion saltier.
Your open letter isn’t going to make us think you’re riding on the coattails of a trending topic. It’s going to make us want to know more about you. It might make us sad for you. It might make us nod our heads in approval, and if your instincts are right, it might even make us want to share it. So write it. Please write it. Your experience is just what we need right now while the discussion is slow, but do it before the news cycles on to the next trend. There’s nothing worse than starting an open letter and abandoning it in favor of a different open letter.
Every random thought and unimportant detail, written by way of abusive and uninformed language, should be in there. We know you know how to write like that. We all do, at least those of us on social media know. Share your personal story and school us on how it’s similar to the trending political topic of the day. Explain how your court experience, your arrest, and your violent crime is just like the one in the news. Make it seem like there are no differences. Make it seem like you know those involved in the topic intimately and we will believe every word. Do whatever it takes. It might be difficult since you aren’t involved, and your opinion wasn’t solicited, but we don’t care. We so don’t care.
We need your opinion. It makes all the difference. Really.
14 thoughts on “An open letter on open letters (in curmudgeon)”
“O” is the only open letter I really like.
Because U is just a horseshoe.
And C is only about 2/3’s of a circle.
And P is a d that’s melting on one side.
I meant 2/3’s of an “O.” WhOOps. An S is infinity standing straight up and without the extra line.
And an X is a T that can’t keep it together.
And Z is a wayward I.
And B is a D with cloning issues.
And Q is an O with an exit ramp.
And a V is just two drunk Is that can’t stand up straight.
And a P is a B without the booty!
And an F is for failure!
And S is for gonna snooze now.
And R is for stuff Scooby says.